


Love According to Connor Murphy [DISCONTINUED]

by MichaelMellsUkulele



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bisexual Evan Hansen, But what else is new?, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Bonding, F/F, F/M, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Jared Kleinman, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, i dont know, it wont be graphic promise, jared is a meme, just mentioned, maybe? - Freeform, mostlydearevanhansen, so thats goods, somecrossover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2019-06-28 10:17:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15705234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichaelMellsUkulele/pseuds/MichaelMellsUkulele
Summary: Connor Murphy was never a very social person. Everyone viewed him the same way, he didn't like people, he didn't date, and he didn't ever make friends.Evan Hansen had always seen him that way. So Evan had no idea why Connor wanted to become friends with HIM of all people.When their paths cross, the depressed, angry, self-hating embodiment of teen angst, and the scared, anxiety-ridden boy who's too afraid to speak... what happens?





	1. Connor

**Author's Note:**

> This book is gonna switch POVs every chapter, Connor to Evan, and vise versa, like books like "The Art of Being Normal" (great book by the way.)

Connor walked to school feeling like trash. It wasn’t unusual. He felt like trash 96% of the time. Today was no different. His sister had left without him, and taken the car. Not that it would’ve helped if she left it. His licence had been suspended for a month for driving with weed in the car. He hadn’t even been high when they pulled him over, but he ran a red light and they searched the vehicle, finding his ‘just in case’ stash in the backseat. Fuck the cops.

Connor stared at the sidewalk, letting his long hair fall around his face, blocking it from other people’s view. Not that there was anyone else around.

Both his headphones were in, to keep out the world and the thoughts manifesting themselves in his mind, most along the lines of _Kill yourself now. Everyone would be happier if you just died._ He was listening to acoustic guitar _,_ which wasn’t exactly the kind of music anyone would expect the school shooter to listen to. His mom told him not to wear both headphones because it was dangerous and he’d get hit by a car for not being self-aware, but he didn’t care. Death didn’t scare him.

He almost welcomed it.

He counted the breaks in the cement as he walked, breathing in, then out, then in again at every crack. He looked up at the corner between Ashblossom Drive and Cinderblock Road to check the light. Maybe he didn’t want to die _today_. Soon, but not yet. 

As Connor approached the school, he pulled his headphones violently out of his ears and shut off his phone. As much as he hated school, he wasn’t one of those brats who texted during class or found the need to constantly take selfies. He put his phone into his jeans pocket and refocused his eyes on the ground, choosing to avoid the hateful stares of his classmates rather than start a fight. He was just so tired, and he didn’t really want to get suspended on the first day of senior year. His mom would be ‘disappointed’, and his dad would skin him alive. He was already pissed as fuck because Connor had refused to sign up for the football team.

He entered the school and was almost immediately almost knocked over by three people, all of whom had probably done it deliberately. Dicks. His locker was relatively close to the entrance of the building, so he got it quickly and transferred all his stuff out of his backpack into the locker, save a notebook, book, pencil case and his phone, which he haphazardly shoved back into his bag.

“Oh, hey Connor!” said a voice behind him. He looked up to see Jared Kleinman standing with his arms crossed, looking like he owned the place. “Loving the new hair length! Very school-shooter chic!” Connor said nothing. He was trying very hard not to snap Kleinman’s spine, and thought silence was the best option. He just stared at him. The kid standing behind him had a cast on his arm, and looked like literally the weakest person ever born, but was trying to stop Kleinman saying anything and make him leave. “It was a joke,” said Jared, “I was joking.”

“No, yeah, it was funny,” responded Connor, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “I’m laughing. Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

 “Jeez, calm down. You’re such a freak,” he sneered, rolling his eyes. He turned on his heel and walked away, skidding the linoleum tiled floor with his sneakers.

The kid who had been standing behind him let out an awkward little laugh/cough, like he was trying to break the tension. What broke was Connor’s self-restraint.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” he yelled at the kid.

“N-nothing-" 

“You think I’m a freak? I’m not the freak! You’re the fucking freak!” Connor ran past him, pushing him to the floor. He ran into the bathroom and desperately tried to level his breathing. Everything was going to shit.

The bell rang less than thirty seconds later, and he pulled out his crumpled schedule, badly printed out from the school’s grading website, and read the faded ink to decipher his homeroom number. Room 409. Great, Three floors above. Even when he got to school on time he was late for class. No matter what he did, he could never win.

He arrived, panting, at room 409 six minutes later. He checked his watch and groaned. He was four minutes late for homeroom. He opened the door, still breathing heavily, and entered the classroom. Immediately, every single person looked up at him like he’d murdered someone. He wasn’t even _that_ late! The teacher, an middle-aged lady with greying hair pulled up in a tight bun, looked at him with a tight-lipped grimace.

“Can I help you?” she asked, annoyance evident in her eyes.

“This is 409, right?”

“Yes. Mr. Murphy, I assume?” she said, adjusting her glasses and picking up the register. He nodded. “Thank you for finally joining us. Please take a seat.”

Connor looked around the class to the only available seat. It was next to the kid in blue with a cast who’s name Connor _thought_ was Ethan. He looked positively terrified. Of course, the kid with anxiety who Connor had screamed at and pushed over for laughing.

Because the universe hated him.

He choked out something that sounded like, “-anywhere else, possibly-” before seeing the look on his teacher’s face, and deciding in that second not to cross her. He walked to his seat, and sat down. In the corner of his eye, he saw the Ethan kid skooch slightly away from him in his chair. He’d scared this kid out of his fucking mind.

Connor looked up at the board, reading the words, _Mrs. Brackburry’s 12th Grade Homeroom and Science Class._ Below that in smaller letters it said, _Please write a short paragraph about yourself, and include details about the activities, family, hobbies, friends, and relationships in your life._

What 12th grade teacher a “get to know you” assignment? They weren’t five! Jesus Christ. What the hell was he going to write? _I’m Connor Murphy. I hate myself, and my family. I have no friends and haven't ever been in a real relationship. My life is trash and I spent my whole summer getting high and contemplating death at my own hands._ He scoffed to himself and looked over at the kid next to him. He’d shifted back into his seat and was scribbling neatly in blue ink. His page was already half full. How the fuck? Connor could read some of what he was writing.

_My name is Evan Hansen. I spent my summer as a park ranger at a national park. I know a lot about trees now and-_

Connor stopped himself from rolling his eyes with difficulty and looked back down at his blank page. The clock on the wall ticked repeatedly. Connor scratched the fake wood of the desk rhythmically, doing anything except the assignment. He traced the swear words engraved into the desktop over the years and years the school had refused to buy new desks. The clock ticked. 

_Property of Sean Paulman_

Tick.

_Fuck high school_

Tick.

 _Lily and Ryan forever_  

Tick.

Connor looked back down at his page, and scratched one of the scars on his left wrist with his fingernail.

~

By the end of “writing time”, which was thirty minutes, and thirty minutes too long, Connor had chewed his nails, written three mental poems about how much Mrs. Brackbury sucked, put his hair up, the down, then up again, broken three pencils, almost reopened a cut on his arm, and gone to the bathroom twice. And he’d only written two sentences. They read; _My name is Connor Murphy, and I really love reading. This summer I read a lot, mostly because I had nothing better to do._ It wasn’t much, but he figured it was probably better than writing about getting high. 

Connor found himself looking at Evan a lot. He kept glancing at him out of the corner of his eye, not in a creepy way, and not really in a “I like you” way either. He was just… well… fascinating in his own unique way. Connor had noticed a lot of things about him.

Little things, like the way wrote, all small and neat and bubbly, and the way he ran his hand through his hair a lot, whenever he paused his writing for a moment, as of he just needed something to do with his hands, and the way he smiled slightly every so often, like he was genuinely happy about what he was writing. This made Connor feel things. Not jealousy… exactly, but almost a weird lonely, _longing_ feeling when he remembered that he would never be that excited about anything in his life. Would it be so hard for the universe to give him one thing that made him happy? Nothing too grand, just… something. 

Mrs. Brackbury was _not_ happy when Connor turned in his two sentence paragraph, but he physically could not of cared any less. She dismissed them to their next class soon after, but not before handing out the annoyingly repetitive and thoroughly useless class behavior contracts, which no one ever followed anyway.

Since he had study hall next period, Connor found himself absentmindedly following Evan to the library/computer lab. He stood around watching him print something out on one of the schools thirty-seven year old computers for a while, until he started to leave. Connor made the split-second decision to talk to him. He walked up to the (utterly terrified looking) boy in blue and held out his hand. Evan looked at it like was a venomous snake, and Connor cringed away and used his hand to push a stray strand of hair out of his face.

“S-sorry. I’m not the best at introductions. It was Evan, right?” He nodded, still looking absolutely horrified to be in the same room as Connor. “It’s nice to meet you.” He nodded again. Connor was starting to give up hope. “I’m Connor Murphy.”

“I-I know,” he said in a small voice, picking at his cast. Connor smiled.

“Um, I just, well, I uh…” _Think of something to say you idiot._ Evan was staring at him, still picking at the white plaster of his cast. “You like trees, right? Well there's actually this gorgeous orchard I used to go to with my family, and it had the nicest trees, they were so beautiful, and uh, well, I’m rambling now, but-” 

Evan looked extremely confused. “I’m so s-sorry. W-what? Could y-you mayb-be repeat that?” Connor mentally slapped himself.

“Yeah. I’m so sorry. Lemme start over. Um, how’d you, how’d you break your arm?”

“Well, well, I was, uh, climbing t-this tr-tree, ‘cus I worked as a junior park r-ranger over the summer, and, uh, I w-was climbing this huge tree, and, uh, I-I fell.”

Connor blinked. “Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

Evan winced and turned to leave. “Y-yeah, I-”

“Well, uh, uh, nobody’s signed your cast,” said Connor, in a desperate attempt to keep Evan talking. _Why did he care so much about this one guy?_

Evan looked down at his cast sadly. “No- uh, I know that, I just-”

“Well, I could sign it.”

Evan looked, if possible, evan more shocked than before. “No, no, y-you don’t have to. It’s okay. Really.”

“D-do you have a Sharpie?”

Evan let himself grin for a split second and pulled a black marker from the pocket of his khaki pants. He handed it to Connor, and held out his arm. Connor pulled it towards him and Evan let out a small noise of pain. “Oh, sorry.” Connor uncapped the marker with his teeth and wrote _CONNOR_ in massive letters over the front of Evan’s cast. Evan opened his mouth to say something, a fake excited look on his face, but Connor, on a whim of bravery he didn’t think possible of himself, wrote his phone number beneath the name in much smaller letters. He handed the pen back to Evan, who still looked severely shocked. “Now we can both pretend like we have friends. See yah around, Hansen.”

~

The rest of Connor’s classes went by in a blur of behavior contracts and basic first day writing assignments.

Lunch came and went. Connor didn’t eat anything, but instead spent the free time stealthily listening to music on his phone. If he put his phone inside his jacket, and used his long hair to hide the headphones, you could hardly tell he was listening to anything, and the half-blind lunch monitor definitely couldn’t. 

Connor could see Evan sitting with Kleinman, who was talking animatedly to him. Or, to be more specific, talking to the air _around_ him, as any idiot could tell Evan didn’t give a flying fuck. Although _he_ probably wouldn’t of worded it like that.

Evan looked up from his lunch and saw Connor sitting by himself. He gave an extremely nervous smile, and waved slightly with his good arm. Jared looked around to see who he was waving at, and saw Connor nod in response. A evil grin spread across his face and he turned back to Evan. He said something to Evan who turned bright red and slapped a hand over his mouth.

Oh, for the love of god. 

When was he gonna catch a break?

  
  



	2. Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff goes down with Evan's therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How often is too often to update? When do you guys want uploads?

Evan didn’t understand Connor Murphy at all. He was quite fascinated with the boy. He was such a complicated person, and, if possible, he seemed almost as messed up as Evan was. Evan like him. A lot. He _did things_ to his heart. He made his stomach bubble and his face flush and his words stutter. He was handsome, smart, and was trying extremely hard to be nice. But he was also quiet, aggressive, and very, _very_ short-tempered. He didn’t talk to people, he didn’t date, and he didn’t make friends.

 

    So why was he trying to make friends with _Evan_ of all people?

 

    Evan sat with Jared at lunch, as usual. It was a slightly uncomfortable conversation.

 

    “So I’m staying at my aunt and uncle’s house, and my cousin Emma’s boyfriend is there- his name’s Nick or something, and I’m sitting on the couch about three feet away from them _making out_ next to me. And I’m like, ‘Yay, heteronormative relationships! Whoo hoo!’,” Jared twirled his finger in the air in sarcastic excitement, “And my cousin goes to the bathroom or something, and Nick’s just… staring at me weird, like, biting his lip, ‘cus I think I was a little red, which is weird, but, like, at the same time, this guy is like, really hot, and I’m having extreme difficulty not dying, because like, I’m just _really_ tur-"

 

    “Too much information Jared,” Evan said, not looking up from his lunch. It was one of the weird tuna sandwiches the school lunch provided, and was probably one of the most unappetizing things Evan had ever seen.

 

    “Kay.” He took a bite of his lunch. “Anyway, my friend Michael, who I play Warcraft with is dating this guy Jeremy, and apparently his cousin Nato is in this rock garage band called “The Black Suits”, and like, he can get us free tickets to their concert. It’s Friday, you in?”

 

    “No thanks. N-not really my thing.”

 

“Whatever. Your loss. Apparently they’re pretty decent. If you’re into sexually frustrated teens taking out their aggression on instruments, I mean. I guess you’d rather cuddle with Zoe Murphy anyway. You two done it yet? Heard she’s pretty kinky.”

 

    Evan turned bright red and punched him in the arm. “What the f-fuck, Jared? You know I’m…” He coughed, and Jared raised an eyebrow. “We were never dating. She doesn’t even talk to me that much. And you know I don’t like her anymore.”

 

    “Whatever yah say, bud. You sure though? I mean, I might be hella gay, but I’m not blind. She’s pretty hot.”

 

    Evan shrugged and looked over at where Connor was sitting alone. He smiled slightly, and waved with his non-broken arm. Connor nodded in response. Jared looked up to see who Evan could possibly be waving at, and saw Connor.

 

    He smiled slyly, and raised his eyebrows. He turned back to Evan. “Ah, so it’s the other Murphy you wanna fu-”

 

    Evan turned bright red, and slapped his hand over Jared’s mouth. “Jesus Christ, Jared! Don’t say that!” Jared rolled his eyes and Evan winced and recoiled his hand. “Did you just lick my hand?”

 

    “That’s how it goes, babe. Sorry.” He shrugged, and grinned, turning back to his food.

 

~

 

    Evan walked home alone after school. Jared had offered to give him a ride, but he really couldn’t listen to anymore of Jared’s rants about how his cousin’s boyfriend was _“clearly such a flaming bisexual, dude!”_ or his video game friend’s boyfriend’s cousin or whatever.

 

    _Sometimes_ , Evan thought, _Jared was very difficult to be friends with._

 

    Evan found three things when he got home. A note, a twenty dollar bill, and a bag from Barnes and Nobles. The note was from his mom.

 

    _Hey honey, they need me late at the the office. I’m so sorry, but there’s no one else who could take my shift. Ask Jared to drive you to therapy please. Dr Sherman will tell me if you don’t show up. It’s important for you, honey. I don’t think I’ll be home for dinner either, so just order some takeout. I got you a surprise as well! I think can really use it! Love you, Mom._

 

Evan put the twenty in his pocket (he likely wouldn’t be using it), and opened the bag. Inside was a journal. Evan groaned, and put it back in the bag. His mom was always trying to get him to try new therapy techniques to help his anxiety. Very few of them worked.

 

~

 

    “You want me to do _what?_ ”

 

    “I just need you to drive me! It’s not exactly moving mountains! C’mon, Jared! Just this once! If I miss therapy again, my mom’s gonna be really upset. Then you’ll be the one getting in trouble!” Evan grinned internally. “Can you pay your own insurance?”

 

    There was silence from the other end of the line. “Fine. I’ll be there in ten, and if you’re not ready, I’m leaving,” he said, finally, and hung up before Evan could say thank you.

 

    Ten minutes later, Evan heard a loud, long car honk from outside, and ran out, locking the door quickly behind him. He opened the door of Jared’s old car and sat down in the passenger seat.

 

    “Took you long enough,” said Jared, the minute he got in the car.

 

    “You didn’t have to honk you know. You could of just texted me and _not_ disturbed the entire street.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

Evan didn’t say a word.

 

When you drove with Jared, you were taking your life in your own hands.

 

They drove in silence for a while, until Evan spoke the worry he’d had in the pit of his stomach for a while when they stopped at a red light light.

 

“J-Jared?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“How did you k-know... I mean, how’d you find out you we-were, you know… g-gay?”

 

Jared looked over at Evan so fast he cricked his neck. Rubbing it in pain he said, “What do you mean? Do you think-”

   

“I d-don’t know.”

 

    “I mean,” Jared scratched his ear. “I’m not sure. I kinda just… knew. I didn’t like girls, and then I was watching a Panic! At The Disco video and Brendon Urie was suddenly just the most attractive thing to me. I mean, I was like, ten, so I didn’t really know what the feeling _was_ , so like, it didn’t mean much, but when I went into middle school I had a _huge_ crush on my math teacher, and then there was this guy in Sophmore year. I just _knew._ ”

 

    There was silence for a moment.

 

    "But... do you think maybe-"  
  
    Evan sighed. "I don't know. There's this one g-guy- but you have to p-promise not to l-laugh."   
  
    Jared looked over at Evan, a knowing look on his face. "Its Murphy, isn't it?"   
  
    Evan blushed bright red. "I mean- well- Connor's d-definitely handsome- I li-like him. Sure! But- you know, he might not even like g-guys-"

 

“Babe, the dude has long hair, wears all black, has never had a girlfriend, is shakey about his sexuality, and keeps himself away from greater society. You thought he was straight?”

 

“That’s st-stereotyping,” Evan pointed out, reasonably.

 

“Look at me, I’m literally the stereotype for ‘gay nerd’. I can tell. And my gaydar is never wrong. Believe me, the dude is gay,” said Jared, turning onto Main Street. “Even if he hasn’t accepted it yet. Now, I might be a mega-dick, but the one thing I wont put up with is exposure. Don’t force him to come out if he doesn’t even accept himself yet.”

 

“O-okay.”

 

Jared pulled into the parking lot of the large office building that’s Evan’s therapist worked at. Evan got out of the car and went to close the door, but Jared leaned across the passanger seat and put his hand on the car door, stopping him from closing it.

 

“I’ll wait for you here,” he said. Evan looked extremely shocked.

 

“W-what?”

 

“You heard me. Now get out before I change my mind.”

 

Evan grinned and closed the car door. Jared pulled away and into a parking space a few cars down. Evan watched him pull out his cellphone and start reading something on it.

 

Maybe Jared wasn’t so bad after all.

 

~

 

    Evan, once again, had achieved nothing with Dr. Sherman. They’d essentially sat there for forty minutes in silence, Sherman occasionally asking question about Evan’s most recent letter. Evan could barely remember what he’d written, and was getting bored.

 

    “So, Evan, who’s this Connor?” asked Dr. Sherman eventually, apparently having exhausted his list of actual therapy questions. Evan’s complexion changed at the speed of light.

 

    “N-no one. M-my f-f-friend.”

 

    “Mmm hmm. You’ve never mentioned him before.”

 

“I-I-I just m-met him to-today.”

 

Dr. Sherman gave Evan a contemplative look, and glanced back down at the letter. “Murphy? Is he your friend Zoe’s brother, by any chance?”

 

Evan shrugged. “Sh-she’s not r-really my fr-friend. But y-yeah, he’s her brother. Why d-do you c-care?”

 

“Didn’t you have a crush on her last year?” asked Dr. Sherman. Evan blushed and nodded. “And this Connor, do you like him?”

 

Evan turned, if possible, even redder. “He’s my f-friend, I th-think! H-he can b-be ni-nice! I l-like him a-as a f-friend! He’s ha-handsome, y-yes, b-but I d-don’t- I m-mean, he’s n-not- I’m not! He m-makes me fe-feel weird.- and I w-want to b-be with h-him b-but-”

 

Dr. Sherman folded his hands on the desk. “Evan,” he said, quietly. Evan fell silent. “Have you considered that you might be bisexual?”

 

Evan shrugged. “I m-mean- I d-don’t know.”

 

“It’s okay Evan. Here,” he opened his desk drawer and rummaged through it for a moment. “Take this.” He leaned across the table and gave Evan a pamphlet. Evan glanced down at the title. _What to Do If You like Guys and Girls._ Evan turned pink again.

 

~

 

    Ten minutes later, Evan was back at Jared’s car. He opened the door and sat down in silence. Jared glanced over at him as he turned the ignition.

 

    “How’d it go, buddy?” Evan showed him the pamphlet silently. “Ah.”

 

    Evan didn’t answer. Jared got the hint that Evan didn’t want to talk about it, and turned on the radio. Immediately, some terrible rock music started pouring from the speaker. Evan ignored it, just think about whether or not he should text Connor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was slightly shorted than Chapter One. I doubt these are going to have a consistent length.


	3. Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys! Chapter Three! Connor is problematic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever ever to write.

**AnnoyingAssBitch** Connor. Parking lot in five minutes or I’m leaving without you.

**Connor** suck a dick

**AnnoyingAssBitch** I thought that was your job.

Connor took a moment type out an obscene reply, then shoved his phone in his pocket. It vibrated a few times, but he’d already stopped caring. Wasn’t having a sibling great?

He opened the door to the school and speed-walked his way to the junior parking lot where his sister was waiting. He usually wouldn’t care about getting back on time, but he was just done with life at that point, and so tired he would be willing to put up with Zoe for the sixteen-and-a-half minutes it took to get home.

Zoe was leaning against her light purple Volkswagen Beetle, humming absentmindedly. She absolutely  _ hated  _ the car because of how bad it was for the environment, but it had been a gift from their mom and Larry, whom  _ she  _ still had some respect for. Her happy resting face turned to an immediate scowl when Connor approached, and she opened the front door and got inside, throwing her backpack onto the passenger seat. This left Connor the backseat. 

It was possibly one of the most uncomfortable car rides Connor had ever experienced. Putting aside the fact that Connor’s long legs barely fit the backseat, the entire ride was complete silence. Zoe played her weird Indie music all the way home, and nodded her head along to the beat, but didn’t speak to him at all. The only time Connor spoke was to ask her when Larry was getting back from work, to which he got a nonchalant shrug in response.

He sighed. 

Zoe parked in their driveway a short drive later, and got out of the car immediately. She slammed the car door and walked to the house in one swift motion. She gave Connor an annoyed look, and he got out of the car, pulling his shoulder bag with him. Zoe clicked the lock on her key and the car beeped, indicating it was locked.

The minute they got in the house, Zoe bounded up the wide staircase, her green backpack swinging on her shoulder. Connor was about to follow her, but he was stopped.

“Hey, Connor. Why don’t you come into the living room and we can have a talk.” Connor shut his eyes and sighed, hand still on the banister.

“Hey L-dad.” If he called his dad Larry to his face, there’d be hell to pay. “I thought you got home late on Wednesdays.”

His dad grinned, but it came out looking strained. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t use that tone with me. I’m trying to be nice here!”

Connor rolled his eyes. He was done here. “Fuck off, Larry.”

“Connor Dean Murphy, you get your ass back here. I need a chat with you. This isn’t a yes-no situation.” 

Connor sighed and walked into the den, figuring, in foresight, it would be easier than fighting a battle no one would win. He threw his bag onto the couch and slumped down into the cushions. Larry sat down in a stiff armchair across from him, and folded his hands together, leaning forward, elbows on knees. 

“Son-”

“Don’t call me son.”

“We need to talk. You’re out every night, you’re coming back  _ stoned,  _ and your a seventeen-year-old virgin without a girlfriend, or a freaking clue. What the hell’s up with you? I had three girlfriends by the time I was your age.”

Realization dawned on Connor like a light bulb being switched on. “You don’t care about me getting high at all do you?” he asked, venom in his voice. “You’re worried about me not having a fucking girlfriend! You think I’m fucking gay or something?” This made Larry look extremely shocked.

“No! That’s not-”

“Why do you fucking care so much? Would it matter if I was? What’s the big deal with me not having a girlfriend?” He was shouting now.

“I’m so sorry I don’t want people to think my son is some kind of fag!” Larry yelled back. Silence fell. “I didn’t mean-”

Connor stood up, grabbing his bag. “I get it. You think there’s something fucking wrong with me. Just- shut up, and leave me the fuck alone. Everyone at school already fucking calls me that! I thought maybe my own family might have the decency not to be so fucking judgemental, but I guess not! I’m not dealing with this right now!”

He walked out of the room, leaving Larry in a stunned silence. It hurt, knowing that there was nothing Connor could do to change his father’s mind. Connor also knew that his dad had no real idea of how true his words had been. He had no idea Connor was actually- well, he just didn’t understand. A small pain was growing in the pit of Connor’s stomach.

He walked up the massive -and highly unnecessary- staircase to the second floor, not paying much attention. He’d made it halfway down the hall before another voice called him back, this time softer, and more gentle.

“C-Connor, a-re you okay?” It was Zoe. “I heard the shouting, and Dad calling you…  _ t-that.  _ I wish-wish there was s-some way I could help.”

Connor scoffed. “What do you think you can fucking do? You have no idea what I’m going through. You have no idea what I’m feeling."

Her expression hardened. “I know how you feel, asshole!” She lowered her voice and suddenly looked extremely nervous. “I-I’m bisexual.”

Connor grunted. “Well, congratu-fucking-lations. Why do I care?”

“W-well, I just thought-”

“Shut up,” said Connor, suddenly realizing. “I’m not fucking gay if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Connor!” she squealed, “You shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of yourself!”

Connor lost his temper. “I’m not gay!” he yelled, stepping a few feet towards her threateningly. She didn’t back away, but winced, and pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes, which Connor noticed were filling with tears. Enough was enough. 

“Just leave me alone Zoe.”

The anger had left his voice. He was just tired now. Tired of the fighting, and the screaming, and the constant need he had to defend himself. He knew Zoe was just trying to help, but honestly, there was nothing she could do. 

He turned his back on her and stomped into his room. He threw his bag down on his bed in anger, then turned to slam his door, before remembering he couldn’t Larry had taken it out the week before. Like he couldn’t be alone for one minute with a closed door without smoking pot, committing suicide, or smuggling in some guy for hot gay sex. 

Not that he was gay.

~

Connor didn’t eat dinner, instead choosing to hide out in his room, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, thinking. He did this a lot. When other people would watch TV or scroll aimlessly through Instagram, Connor stared at walls and thought. It was just one of his things.    
  
His mom came by a few times, knocking on his door frame tentatively, trying to get him to eat, but after a few muttered ‘Fuck offs’, she eventually gave up.

Most people gave up on Connor. He didn’t blame them, honestly.

~

It was seven-oh-eight before Connor moved at all. His phone, still in the back pocket of his tight jeans, vibrated once, twice, three times. He groaned and turned over onto his stomach, pulling it out. Unlocking it, he opened the Messenger.

**Unknown Number** Hey

**Unknown Number** This is Evan Hansen.

**Unknown Number** ...From homeroom?

Connor fought extremely hard to keep a smile spreading across his face. What the hell was this kid doing to him?

**Connor** i cant believe u actually used this number.

**Evan** Yeah… well… I could use some more friends. Jared’s… a special case.

**Connor** how so?

**Evan** He says he’s my “family friend”. Apparently that’s a different thing than an actual friend. I think he just hangs out with me because otherwise his parents won’t pay his car insurance.

**Connor** hes an ass. 

**Evan** Well…

**Evan** Let’s not talk about Jared. What you doing?

**Connor** avoiding my dad. he gave me “a talk” today, being all worried about me smoking as an excuse to basically tell me he thinks im gay.

**Evan** Oh… well, are you?

**Connor** no! does it fucking matter? thats not the point!

**Evan** No… I’m sorry.

**Connor** nevermind, i have to go. see u at school.

**Evan** Oh.. okay. See you tomorrow.

Connor yelled in frustration and threw his phone against the pillows at the front of his bed. Why did he have to ruin every interaction he had. It wasn’t Evan’s  _ fault.  _ It was completely innocent of him to ask a stupid fucking question. It was Connor’s fault. Everything was. Evan probably was angry with him now, or thought he was some weird psychopath.

Evan probably hated his guts now.

~

As it transpired, Evan  _ didn’t  _ hate Connor’s guts. His nervous smile greeted Connor as he closed his locker at exactly 7:03 am the next morning. 

“H-hey Connor.” He picked at his cast. “W-what’s- what’s up?”

Connor could see that Evan’s conversational skills were just as bad, possibly worse than his own. This was slightly comforting. 

“Hey… Hansen. Um… not to be rude or anything, but why the fuck are you talking to me?”

Evan’s smile faltered. “I-I don’t know. I just thought may-maybe y-you might want s-someone t-t-to talk t-to. Y-your dad...w-well, he just…”

“Dude, it’s fine. Calm your shit.” Evan was still stuttering through an explanation, so Connor put a finger on his lips, shushing him. Evan turned bright red and promptly shut up. “Thanks, but I’m fine. Larry’s an asshole, and I’ve come to terms with that. It’s not a big deal.”

“O-oh, o-okay. I j-just want-ted to m-make sure you were o-okay.”

Connor gave a weird, strained half-grin and slung his bag over his shoulder. “What class do you have now?”

“Advanced English.”

“AP French. See you later, Hansen.”

Connor was about to leave, when he heard a familiar voice call him back. “Hey Hot Topic! What up, my man?”

Connor closed his eyes, and didn’t turn around. “I swear to every fake fucking god ever invented by the human race, Kleinman. I’m not in the mood.”

“Nah, me neither. I just wanted to say hi! Is that so weird?”

“From you it is.”

Jared grinned evilly. “I’m turning over a new leaf. And any friend of Evan’s is a friend of mine!”

  
“Since when?”

“Always! Evan’s my bud! See yah later, Murphy. Be good to my child. Don’t break his heart.”

Connor spun around sharpish, but Jared turned on his heel and walked away before Connor could finish his angry and breathless, “WHAT?!”

Evan blushed a deep scarlet and hurried after Jared, not looking back at Connor, and instead choosing to stare at the ground. It would of been a good idea, except for the fact that he didn’t see where he was going and walked straight into Jared. They both fell over and landed in a pile on the ground. Evan squeaked and rolled off of him, landing on his back on the floor. Connor watched this spectacle from afar, standing awkwardly, not sure what to do. Jared groaned.

“Well fuck you too Evan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment! I want your feedback? What direction do you want this to go?


	4. Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan got himself into some deep shit this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bi intensifies. Also Jared is a fucking weirdo.

Evan’s English class went by in a blur. For a matter of fact, it wasn’t until lunch he realized he’d gone throughout the first half of his day without retaining a thing. His brain was exhausted. He’d read the pamphlet his therapist had given him in about six minutes and was no surer now about what the fuck any of his feelings meant.

Everything was so confusing, and honestly, he was so done with everyone. Why did he have to put labels on himself like they were important? Why did he have to put this kind of pressure on himself? It wasn’t fair.

Straight people didn’t have to go through this kind of shit.

At lunch, Evan went to sit with Jared as usual, but Jared raised an eyebrow, and steered them both towards the table where Connor was sitting alone, Evan protesting uselessly the entire time. Connor looked up as the two approached his table, and looked as shocked as if someone had just told him he was going to be the new lead dancer for the Radio City Rockettes.

“What the fuck are you doing Kleinman?”

“Nothing, nothing. Evan just wanted to sit with his new _friend_ , and I figured I would accompany him. Is that so wrong?”

Evan muttered something that sounded like, “Jared you motherfucker-” and put his head down in his crossed arms to hide the fact that he was blushing profusely. The way Jared had said the word ‘friend’ made Evan extremely uncomfortable.

“O-kay then,” said Connor hesitantly, scratching the back of his neck. They sat in silence for several moments. Evan was blinking quickly, and running his hand through his hair so often it looked like he had a twitch. Connor bit his nails.

Jared, frustratingly intrusive as ever, grinned and punched Evan on the arm in a ‘friendly’ way. “So Ev, weren’t you _just_ telling me about how bees are essential to the continued existence of the human race? That’s interesting. Why don’t you talk about that?”

Evan and Connor both turned to look at Jared silently. “Kleinman. What the fuck.”

~

The rest of lunch was spent in silence, Jared looking back and forth between Evan and Connor so much, Evan was ready to rip his head off by the time the bell rang.

Jared slung his backpack over his shoulder and stood up. “Well, bye fam, off to go break some hearts.”

“You have biology, Jared,” Evan pointed out uselessly.

Jared shrugged and walked out of the cafeteria. Evan was now alone at the table with Connor. Shit.

Connor coughed. “We should- uh go to class.”

“Yes! Class is important! Let’s go to class!”

Evan internally groaned at how awkward he was. Connor’s lips twitched upwards like he was about to smile, but when Evan looked back he was greeted by the same sullen scowl he’d come to love. No. Not love.

Definitely not love.

~

When Evan got home, he went straight to his laptop and opened it. He thought for a moment before eventually typing in _What to do when you like guys and girls_ into an incognito tab _._ Most of the results were along the lines of getting a guy to like you, all of them for women, so he thought for a moment, then typed in, _Am I gay?_ but most of _those_ results were long-winded articles on studies done on mental and emotional explorations of sexuality that Evan really didn’t feel like reading, or links to the website of a Catholic Church explaining that you can and will change ‘with the guiding hand of God’ whatever the hell that meant.

After an awkward pause that no one but Evan heard, his hands lingered over the keyboard, finally typing in _Am I Gay Quiz._

He clicked on the first result. It took him to a page with a badly designed layout that made Evan cringe. His cursor hovered over the _Begin Quiz_ button. Was he really doing this?

Yes.

He sighed and clicked the begin button.

 _Question One; What do you think you are?_ Evan refrained from rolling his eyes and clicked the _I don’t know_ button. Why did they think was there if he already knew?

 _Question Two; What do you want to be?_ Evan had no idea what he wanted to be. He once again clicked _I don’t know._ Some results this was getting.

He continued the quiz clicking answers that he most related to. When he got to a question about sex he clicked _I don’t know_ without even reading the other options, blushing profusely. The last question was a simple _Do you have a crush on anyone?_ Evan bit his lip. No one could see this. His mom couldn’t find it. He quickly clicked _Yes, someone who is the same gender as me_ and pressed the next button so fast, he might have had a twitch.

It took a good thirty seconds for the page to load, Evan only watching it through one half-open eye. The screen finally loaded to reveal _Based on your answers, you are 45% bisexual._ Evan blinked. What the actual fuck.

Evan stared at the screen. His breath was coming quick and sharp. Why did everything have to be so complicated? He took a photo of the screen with his phone and sent it to Jared.

**Evan sent 1 image.**

**Evan** WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???

Evan’s bedroom door opened suddenly. He screeched like a banshee and slammed the laptop closed at the speed of light. His mom stood in the doorway looking utterly perplexed.

“Evan, honey, are you okay? What was that about?”

“Nothing!” he replied, far too quickly. His mom nodded and pushed a strand of her dirty blonde hair out of her face.

“Well, anyway, I just wanted to know if you maybe wanted to go out and eat. I don't have work today, so I thought we could just grab some burgers and hang out, like old times.”

Evan desperately wanted to say no, that he had homework, and that he was tired, but looking at the look on his mom's face, he just couldn't. It had been a really long time since they'd spent time together, and he knew it couldn't be any easier for her than it had been for him. Forcing a smile, he nodded and stood up. Despite being absolutely physically and mentally exhausted, he forced himself to get his coat and put on his shoes as his mom watched him, a smile growing on her face.

~

Twenty minutes later, they pulled into the parking lot of Applebee's.

Applebee’s. At four in the afternoon. Because they were just that classy.

The place was nearly completely empty- no surprise there, and they got a table and menus within five minutes of stepping inside. Evan felt like he was stepping inside a time machine. The last time he’d eaten at Applebee’s had been Jared’s Bar Mitzvah. His phone buzzed in his pocket, waking him from his stupor.

Speaking of Jared.

 **Jared** HOLY SHIT.

 **Evan** Jared.

 **Jared** HOLY SHITTTTTTTTT

 **Evan** Jared!

 **Jared** u did NOT take one of those fake online quizzes did u??? those things are so dumb!!! they make up everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Evan** I was desperate!!!

 **Jared** hold on.

Evan’s phone rang suddenly and loudly. Evan’s mom looked up from the menu. “Honey, shut that off, we’re at a restaurant.”

Evan mouthed _It’s Jared_ and stood up to take the call. He made a beeline for the men’s bathroom. It was empty except for a guy standing at the urinal closest to the wall who was humming quietly to himself. Evan threw himself in a stall and locked the door before answering right before it went to voicemail.

“Jared!” he whisper-shouted, “I’m at Applebee’s, hiding in a bathroom stall to take this call away from my mother! What do you want?”

Jared snorted into the phone. “Just to tell you not to trust any stupid thing you read online. All of those quizzes are fake. Believe me, I’ve taken more of them than anyone else, and all except one have been completely and utterly wrong.”

“Okay! I know it was dumb! But I didn’t know what else to do! I read that thing Sherman gave me yesterday, and all it did was make me more confused!”

The guy on the other side of the door moved over to the sink and started washing his hands, still humming.

Jared sighed loudly into the phone. “Dude. Bro. Hombre. You need to calm yourself. This isn’t a matter of life or death. If you go through high school thinking you like dudes, then find out later it was just experimentation or a phase or something, then it’s fine. If it turns out you’re literally a one-man pride-parade and really do like guys as well, then fine! You’re eighteen!”

Evan shrugged, then remembered Jared couldn’t see him. “But-”

“Listen, man, it’s pretty clear you’ve got heart eyes for Connor Murphy. Hell, even his sister can probably tell by now. The only person who can’t is Connor!” Evan made a noise of protest, but Jared plowed on. “It’s fine, okay? If you love him-”

“I DON’T LOVE HIM JARED!” Evan screeched, far too loudly. The humming stopped from the other side of the stall door. He lowered his voice considerably. “I just- he’s nice and interesting and I just think we’re similar in a lot of ways!”

Jared scoffed. “Not to mention he’s _pretty_ hot when he wants to be.”

Evan screeched again. “JARED! DO NOT CALL CONNOR MURPHY _HOT._ ”

“Hey, you’re the one who wants to date him, not me. I’m just sayin’ what you’re thinking.” Evan made a moany-sigh sound and banged his head quietly against the stall door. The guy at the sink shuffled to face the door and knocked hesitantly.

“You okay son?”

“Who’s that?” asked Jared.

Evan coughed. “No one?”

“What’d ya say, kid?”

“Uh! No, I’m fine!

“I didn’t ask!”  
“Shut up Jared!”

“What?”

“N-not you!”

Evan got out of _that_ situation by claiming that his friend was sick and he was on the phone with his other friend who was “teasing him”. It was an awkward conversation, to say the least. When Evan finally got out of there, he sighed loudly.

“Wow. Very convincing story, Acorn.”

Jared was still on the line. Well shit.

~

“So Evan honey, what’s going on at school? I feel like I haven’t seen you this week! Make any new friends?”

“Evan poked at his salad with his fork and shrugged. “I guess? I mean- kinda.”

Heidi smiled at Evan and pushed him lightly on the arm. “That’s great honey! Who are they? Do I know them?”

Evan highly doubted that his mom knew Connor or his parents. In fact, it was extremely unlikely that she knew anyone except for Jared’s mom and his brothers. “I-I don’t think so.”

“Oh,” she continued, ignoring this, “It’s so great you have another friend, Evvy! You and Jared could use another person to hang out with!”

Evan scoffed. His mom looked at him with a questioning look on her face. Evan dropped his eyes back to his food. “Oh. Um. Jared… doesn’t really like him.”

“Ah well, it’s still good you have a friend Evan. You’re so funny and interesting. I always said you could be so popular if you just put yourself out there!” Evan restrained himself from rolling his eyes and shrugged again. He was starting to live his life doing more shrugging than talking. One day in the near future his life was just going to turn into one long shrug. “Anyway,” Heidi continued, “What about that Zoe you were talking about _constantly_ last year?”

Evan squeaked and looked around hurriedly before replying. It was extremely unlikely that anyone he knew would be there, but he didn’t want to risk it. “I don’t really l-like her an-anymore.” Heidi raised an eyebrow. Evan blushed and put his head in his hands. “Mom! I just-”

“It’s fine honey. I’m just teasing.”

Evan shrugged (yet again) and put down his fork. He wasn’t feeling so hungry anymore. His stomach seemed to have tied itself into a very tight knot.

His phone buzzed. Evan jumped and quickly checked it. It was Connor.

 **Connor** your friend is a lunatic.

Attached was a screenshot of a text conversation between Jared and Connor. (How the hell Jared got his number Evan would never know.)

 **Jared** HEY HOT TOPIC

 **Connor** who the fuck is this

 **Jared** EVANS FRIEND JARED. BE NICE TO MY CHILD.

 **Jared** BYE

Evan groaned. Jared was random, sure. But today he had broken the bounds of sanity and completely lost it. Evan opened up another conversation.

 **Evan** Jared. What the actual fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. Sorry this took so long to come out (ha ha). School started and I've had a lot to do. I'll try to be quicker from now on.


	5. Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is very introspective. That isn't ALWAYS a good thing. One of his problems is he overthinks one minute and acts rashly the next. Heere we go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, my Instagram is @emeadara. I do art, and post updates about my writing schedule. Post under the hashtag #LATCM for me to see anything you make about my work. *Hint hint*.

Connor was slowly starting to lose his patience with Jared Kleinman. The guy had approximately zero redeeming qualities. He was annoying, rude, and honestly, Connor had never met anyone with a more punchable face. 

Evan, on the other hand, was a different story. Connor had no idea what was happening to himself. He had a  _ friend,  _ for once in his life and it actually felt… nice. Every friend Connor had had eventually been driven away after they saw who he really was, he was used to it, yet Connor teetered on the edge of falling apart when he thought about Evan abandoning him. But one of the best things about Evan was that even though he was way more alive than Connor, he was messed up too. Connor could tell, every time he ran his hand through his hair or blushed or misspoke, his obvious annoyance and embarrassment, or when he got upset about the smallest mistakes, or overthought things. The kid clearly had issues.

But so did Connor.

And there was something… else there too. Not only the feeling of kinship but also a small bead of hope mingling among the fear that conquered Connor’s life on a daily basis. That maybe there was someone in the world who cared about him, who actually  _ saw  _ him. 

“Connor? Wake up dumbass! What the fuck you staring at?”

Connor awoke from his stupor and turned around in the cheap plastic seat to face Zoe. They were sitting across from each other in a weird indie cafe place downtown. Connor hated it. Zoe loved it. They were supposed to compromise.

Zoe won the argument in the car.

“The only reason I’m even hanging out with you is because mom said I have to,” Zoe pointed out sullenly. She sipped her organic chai tea. “Please don’t make this worse than it has to be.”

Connor sighed. “Whatever.”

Zoe traced the lid of her cup with her perfectly manicured finger, which was painted a light purple, and said, “You can be a real dick sometimes, you know that?”

Connor didn’t respond. He sipped his black coffee and stared sulkily out the window. How was he even supposed to respond to that?

Yeah Zoe, ‘cus you’re so perfect.

“I'm just saying,” Was she  _ still  _ talking? “Maybe try  _ not _ to be an asshole for once?”

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

Zoe looked at Connor. “Con- Connor.” Connor cringed. Zoe used to call him Con. He called her Zo. Back when they were friends. “I just wanna know what’s happening in your head. Where are you right now? Cus you sure as hell ain't here.”

Connor shrugged. He bit his nails, which were now so short they were barely there at all. “Why do you even care?”

Zoe shot him a dirty look. “Because you’re still my brother assface! As much as I might hate to admit it! I’m not going to  _ abandon  _ you if you need help, just because you’re a little different! I’m not like that! I’m not  _ dad _ !”

Connor stared at her in silence. She had had  _ never  _ insulted either of their parents before. What was happening?

The world had gone insane.

“But-”

“Oh, shut up. Nevermind.” She stood up and pulled her backpack off the back of the seat. “I’m leaving, you can come, or you know what? Do what you want. You can make your own way home. I don’t give a shit.”

“Zoe.”

She ignored him. He stood up and tried to grab her arm. Zoe pulled away from him and tried to walk away.

“Zoe!”

She kept walking.

“Zo!”

She froze. Connor hadn’t called her Zo in a good five, six years. Zoe looked down at the floor, still not facing him. “What?” Her voice dripped with malice. “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t- I just.” He didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry.”

It sounded fake. Zoe scoffed and her shoulders shook. Whether from sobs or laughter, Connor had no idea.   
“Oh yeah? Well, you should’ve of said that a long time ago.”

~

Connor was walking home. Alone, as usual. Zoe had left him at the cafe. He waited for a few minutes after she’d left, assuming she needed a minute to calm down, but she'd left. 

Because that was just the kind of caring, sweet sister that Zoe was.

However, if he was being honest, Connor would have done the exact same thing in that situation. He couldn't blame her. 

Connor arrived at the house just as the light was starting to fade. It was definitely getting colder. Fall was rapidly approaching. Connor didn’t really like fall. 

Climate-wise, it was his favorite season. Something about the colors of the trees and the cool, brisk air gave him a little bit more life. But the very idea of Halloween and Thanksgiving and  _ Christmas  _ approaching made him remember the countless hours he would be forced to spend with his family.  _ Usually,  _ his mom was very bearable. She knew when to give up trying to understand what was going on in Connor’s brain. Zoe kept to herself mostly and didn’t bother him. Larry? Well, Larry was bad at the best of times, but that wasn’t the issue. The issue was his indirect family. AKA, the Catholic-est, whitest, racist...est(?) family in the state.

So that was just… great.

~  
It was late. Dinner had come and gone, once again without Connor actually eating. Pretty soon he was going to be living off of caffeine and spite.

He would’ve  _ liked  _ to lie on his bed doing absolutely nothing for the rest of the night, but unfortunately, due to the fact that humans do start to smell after several days, he had to take a shower.

So, he dragged himself out of bed, grabbed an old Camp Half-Blood t-shirt (the most colorful item of clothing he owned, as far as he knew) and black sweatpants and trekked into the too-large bathroom he shared with Zoe. ( _ That  _ was fun in the mornings when she took her seventeen hour long showers, and Connor had to brush his teeth out the back door of the kitchen and spit into the bush in the yard.)

Connor turned on the shower and looked at himself in the mirror as he waited for the water to heat up. He hated his appearance with all his heart, sometimes. He was ghostly pale, and his face was way to thin. His hair was tangled from lying on his face for an hour and a half and the dark circles under his eyes which had once been barely visible were painfully obvious in the bright white lighting of the bathroom.

He ran a hand across the scars on his arms and sighed.

_ Just doing it for attention. _

_ Right. _

He got into the shower and let the warm water run over his body. Everything hurt, and he was so tired. Not just physically, but he was just done with the world. People sucked sometimes, but Connor didn’t exclude himself from the sucky people. What goes around comes around, he supposed.

Zoe banged on the bathroom door.  
“Hey, asshole! Hurry up! Some of us have to actually get ready for bed! We’re not all vampires like you!”

Connor swore and turned off the shower. He’d barely washed his hair, but it didn’t matter. He pulled on clothes, dried his hair quickly, and walked out of the bathroom, carrying his dirty laundry, pushing past Zoe without looking back. He probably dropped a sock or something in his speedy getaway, but it wasn’t important. He’d get it tomorrow.

Despite being absolutely  exhausted, Connor didn’t sleep for several more hours.

He was thinking. About Zoe, and how they used to be so close. Connor could remember all those trips to that old orchard, before everything fell apart. He could remember how the two of them used to play dress-up together, and how Zoe would be the princess and he would  _ always  _ be the brave knight, coming to rescue his kidnapped sister from the jaws of the evil dragon, (Larry, who’d agreed to participate to make them happy, back when he cared.)

Connor thought about himself too. He was the cause of all the pain in his family’s life. Without him, Cynthia would have her perfect family. Without him, maybe his parents would of had another son, one who better fit the mold Larry wanted to fill. Without him, Zoe wouldn’t have someone constantly terrorising her, even if he didn’t mean it.

And he thought about Evan. How Evan actually cared about him, to an extent.  _ It’s because he doesn’t know you yet,  _ said a nasty voice in his head.  _ Once he gets to actually know you, he’ll never want to talk to you again. No one wants to be seen around you. You know how he gets all flustered when Kleinman makes you guys hang out? He’s embarrassed, he doesn’t want people to see him with you. He ashamed. He doesn’t even want to talk to you. He’s just too nice not to text you once you gave him your number. Maybe he thinks you’ll start throwing things at him if he doesn’t pretend to like you. He probably heard that story about you throwing a printer at Mrs. G. He thinks you’re a freak. _

Connor groaned into his pillow and looked over at the digital clock on his bedside table. It was 11:30pm. Not the latest he’d stayed up while pondering life, but he did have a English Lit test the next day, so he should probably get  _ some  _ sleep, even if he was planning on failing anyway. English was actually a subject he enjoyed though, so who knows. Maybe he’d actually try on that test. Worth a fucking shot.

~

So Connor had passed the test. He hadn’t gotten the results back but he’d answered every question with “full, concise answers”, as his teacher put it, and he was pretty sure he aced it. That wasn’t really what was on his mind though. What  _ was  _ was that he couldn’t find Evan. He hadn’t seen him at all that day, and he hadn’t responded to any of Connor’s messages. (This alone wasn’t really a huge deal, except that this was Evan.)

“Kleinman!” Now, on a regular basis, Connor would never really talk to Jared. Like, at all. It wasn’t something he did. But he’d shot Evan a few texts and hadn’t gotten anything back, and was kinda worried. Evan had anxiety, and he of all people knew how worried someone could get if you don’t respond to text messages. He would almost always respond, either to make sure the other person knew where he was or simply because he didn’t want to have to deal with an awkward phone call.

Jared looked shocked that Connor was even choosing to be in the same school district as him without Evan there. “Hey Hot Topic! What’s up my man?”

“Where’s Evan?” Connor got straight to the point. “I haven’t seen him like, all day.”

Jared smirked at him and adjusted his backpack strap. “I don’t know. Sick of you already is he?”

“Kleinman I swear to god.”

Jared put his hands up in mock surrender. “Sorry dude, just messin’. He texted me and told me he was gonna be home sick. I don’t know why.”

Connor turned and walked away without thanking Jared. 

Connor didn’t really know why he was doing this. He’d skipped school before, of course, but that wasn’t the issue. Most of the time he ditched because he just couldn’t deal with that hellhole for another minute. Because people were being assholes or because he needed to get high if he’d had a really shitty day. He never would've considered risking getting in trouble over some person he barely knew a week or two ago. But somehow Evan affected him in weird ways, and he was still trying to figure out how he felt about that.

So, Connor walked straight out of the front doors of the school as the bell rung for fourth period and didn’t look back. 

What had he gotten himself into?

~

It was about halfway down the block when Connor remembered he didn’t actually know Evans address.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooookay. This took me WAY too long to finish. High school stuff has been crazy. But here it is, enjoy! Finally!


	6. Evan (TW for Mentions of Suicide)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is tired and done with life. Luckily, Connor seems to have some kind of superpower to know about these sorts of things.  
> TW for mentions of suicide. Please don't read if that kind of thing upsets you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE kudos to Theo (@superboy_n_the_invisible_girl) for editing this chapter for me! They did such a great job and I love the way this turned out!!!  
> TW for mentions of suicide.

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today’s not going to be a good day and here’s why, because today, your dad confirmed himself to be the absolute worst father on the face of the earth, as well as a massive dickhead and a stupid, annoying, cold, rude old man who- _

Evan couldn’t write anymore. He felt like he was about to cry. Frankly, even though Evan was almost constantly on the verge of a panic attack for no good reason, he felt as though this particular instance merited a minor breakdown.

What kind of father- scratch that, what kind of _person_ emails their son to tell him that they can’t come over for Hanukkah because their _WIFE IS FUCKING PREGNANT?!_  
He clearly cared more about a child he’d never met, who he would have his whole life to be with, than seeing his seventeen year old son for a few days once a year as a common fucking courtesy. It didn’t matter. Evan didn’t matter. And Evan didn’t care.

Okay.

_ That  _ clearly wasn’t true.

He hadn’t been a good son. He hadn’t ever wanted to be the kind of son who played catch in the yard with their dad, talking about girls, throwing in the occasional sports reference. He didn’t want to learn how to barbecue or fix a car or watch “The Game” or get dirty or talk to people. For as long as he could remember, he’d been perfectly content being alone, reading and writing in a journal, or else hanging out with his mom, who understood him so much better, even if she couldn’t always be there.

Evan could remember what his life had been like before his dad left. He remembered that his mom didn’t have to leave him alone every night to work her ass of at some job she hated just to support her child. He remembered sitting in the yard with her, reading Harry Potter and drinking fresh orange juice, because  _ mom  _ was all that she had to be. He remembered playing cars with his dad sometimes when he got home from work in a decent mood, one of the only things they did together. He could remember padding down to his parents room in the middle of the night when he had nightmares and how they’d let him snuggle in between them, and remind him that it was okay, and that they loved him.

But he could remember the bad things too. The yelling, the fighting. Evan’s mom screaming at his dad that Evans anxiety wasn’t an “inconvenience” for them and that it didn’t matter as long as he got help for it, while his dad argued back that he didn’t want a son who couldn’t even walk outside without hyperventilating.

So  _ that  _ was a great thing for a six-year-old to hear. That his dad didn’t want him. And that nothing he did would make any difference.

Evan was lying on the couch in too-long sweatpants and a t-shirt reading  _ “Save the Endangered Florida Yew Tree.”  _ He probably looked like a mess, but he didn’t really care. At least, he didn’t really care until the doorbell rang, rousing him from his dark, depressing pit of loneliness.

He considered not answering. No one important would come to call at this time of day. Everyone they knew was either at work or school. It was probably just some idiot pitching Mormonism, the secret to eternal life. The ringing didn’t stop, and Evan grudgingly got up from the dent he’d created in the couch and went to the front door to tell the person to fuck off, and that he  _ really  _ didn't want to live forever, and he certainly wasn’t going to heaven.

He swung the door open. “Listen, man. I don’t care about our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Not now okay? Just-”

Fuck.

Standing in front of him, casual and attractive as ever, looking  _ extremely  _ confused, was Connor Murphy. Evan immediately ran his hands through his hair, trying to make himself look half-decent, and not like he’d been lying in the same position for two hours, crying as he wrote his sorrows into a journal like some sad parody of a  Taylor Swift video.

“Connor! Uh- uh- uh-”

“Dude. Chill.”

Evan was about to have a panic attack. On top of everything that was going on, why did  _ Connor  _ have to be at his house. He hadn’t had a shower, or cleaned, or gotten dressed, or-

“Holy shit, Hansen, are you okay?”

Evan was hyperventilating. He nodded quickly and gestured for Connor to come in, what else could he do? “I’m fine. I-I just need a s-second to-”

Connor put his hand on his arm, and grabbed Evan’s with his other. “Dude. Calm down. It’s okay, I’m not gonna hurt you or anything, I swear. I just-” he hesitated, biting his bottom lip slightly. “I just- you weren’t in school and you usually text me if something’s wrong and like, that one time I skipped you freaked out and I didn’t hear from you and I didn’t know where you were and I was worried, okay? I was worried about you!”

Despite everything, Evan smiled. “A-aw, Connor, you care about me!” He said it as a joke, but Connor dropped his hands and stared at the ground. Evan thought he did something wrong until Connor looked up at him awkwardly.

“Yeah, you’re my- my friend.”

Something in Evan shattered. He just started crying. And he couldn’t stop. Connor looked shocked. Sucking in a deep breath, he pulled Evan back into the living room, all while Evan’s shoulders still heaved with sobs. 

He pushed Evan down onto the couch and sat down awkwardly next to him, like he didn’t really know what to do with himself. “Are you okay?”

And then Evan was telling him everything, about his dad leaving him and starting a new family and how he wasn’t good enough for him and how he was a bad son and how he hardly got to hang out with his mom anymore and how it was super awkward when they did.

“I’m s-so so-sorry, C-connor. That w-was wa-way too m-much information and you didn’t n-need t-to know a-any of th-that.”

Connor stared at him for a moment, where Evans brain went into overdrive.  _ He hates you now you shouldn’t of said any of that. What the fuck is wrong with y- _

And then, Connor hugged him. It was very strange, Connor’s thin arms wrapping around his shoulders, one hand on the back of Evans head. But it was weirdly nice, too, and Evan wouldn’t have minded staying there forever, wrapped in the awkward, comforting embrace of Connor Murphy. 

Unfortunately, the real world doesn’t work like that, and Connor drew back after only a few seconds.

“I’m sorry,” Connor muttered. “I shouldn’t have done that. That was- that was out of line, I didn’t mean to like, invade your personal space. I’m sorry.”

Evan smiled. “Usually I-I’m the one doing all the apologizing.”

Connor’s lips twitched upwards, but he didn’t say anything. “Okay.” He scratched the back of his head. “So what was all that stuff about ‘our lord and savior Jesus Christ’?”

Evan internally face-palmed. “Oh, uh- nothing.”

“Because if you’re looking for someone to seek religious guidance from or whatever, I’m probably not the best guy for that. I’m an atheist.”

“And I’m Jewish.”

Then they were both laughing. Deep, loud laughs. Connor Murphy was laughing. And Evan Hansen was the person that had made that happen. There was a very strange sense of pride that came with that.

Evan had never seen Connor laugh before. He decided he liked it.

~

An hour later, Evan and Connor were sitting side by side of the Hansen’s old couch watching a documentary about Ernest Hemingway.

“I feel like he could’ve done so much more,” said Evan, when the subject of his death came up. “He was a remarkable writer.”

Connor shrugged. “Better to burn out, isn’t it? Than to fade away? To be gone in an instant like that, something that will be remembered? Rather than something that no one will care about in a year or so?” Evan looked shocked. Connor continued, “And besides, the man was a heavy drinker, and had a ton of medical problems. He did what he did, and there’s nothing we can do to fix it.”

“Connor, you can’t- you can’t be serious. Suicide isn’t a way out.”

Connor shrugged. He wasn’t looking at Evan. His voice remained uncannily calm. “You don’t know because you haven’t been there, where everything is falling apart and you think it would just be easier to-”

“Connor! How can you say that?” He sounded mad.

“I-”

“And how can you say I haven’t been there? How can you know?”

“Evan, I’m-”

“Because I  _ do! _ I  _ do _ know how it feels when everything is crashing down around you and you realize you  _ can’t do anything to stop it! _ Because I didn’t fall!”

There was silence.

“What?”

Evan looked like he regretted saying anything at all. “I-I didn’t fall. I let go, or-or I jumped. I-I though m-maybe if  I j-just climbed high enough maybe I-I could- but I didn’t! I wasn’t h-high enough a-and, that’s how I broke my arm a-and I couldn’t tell anyone andohmygodConnorIshouldn’tofsaidanyofthatandyou’regoingtotelleveryoneandohgodI’mscrewedmymom’sgoingtohateme!”

“Evan!” Evan stopped his rambling for a second and looked at Connor. “Evan I didn’t know. And I- I’m sorry. I’m not going to tell anyone, breathe.”

Evan grimaced. “Thank you.”

Connor gave a weird half smile. “Well at least now we know. We’re both just messed up kids.”

Evan grinned back. “I guess we are, but I’d rather be messed up with you, than, like, alone.”

He sat back down on the couch. “How'd you find my address, by the way?”

Connor smirked. “Oh, on the way over here I called Kleinman and bullied him into giving it to me. He uh- said a few things, but it doesn't matter.”

“Ah.”  Knowing Jared, Evan could just imagine the list of offensive jokes. “Sorry.”

“No big deal, really,” said Connor. “I’ll just kill him tomorrow. And the balance of the universe will be restored.”

Evan scoffed. “Yeah right.”

Connor looked up at him. “Are you sure you’re okay? With your dad and everything?”

“No. But I’m used to it. He’s never been there for me. I don’t even know why I care.”

“I do.” Connor looked shocked with himself. “It’s because all your life, you thought you weren’t good enough for him and his stupid expectations. He always wanted you to be perfect, his trophy son to go along with the rest of his pristine life. And when you grew up and you didn’t fit that perfect mold, he decided he didn’t want to be a part of it. Even though you hate him, you still want him to love you, and you still want a dad who accepts you. One you can tell, ‘I am who I am, mental illness and emotional scars and  personality flaws, and all. I’m not going to change.’ A dad who sees you don’t need to be ‘fixed’. Because that’s all you want!” Connor’s voice broke. “Just a dad- just someone to look up to. Someone who loves you.”

Evan was shocked. He’d never seen Connor this vulnerable before. “Connor, do you- wanna talk, a-about that?” He put an arm around Connor’s shoulders and pulled him back into the couch in a weird half-hug. His voice was nervous and soft, like he was afraid Connor might actually start crying.

“No. No. I’m fine.” When Evan shot him a dubious look, Connor, coughed and grinned at him. “I am!”

“Yeah, and I’m the most popular kid in school.” There was silence for a minute. Then Evan realized what he’d said and slapped a hand over his own mouth. “OhmygoshthatwassorudeI’msosorry!”

Connor snorted, then burst into laughter at the confused look on Evan’s face. “Dude! I didn’t think you were even capable of saying anything that wasn’t nice!”

“I know I’m sorry I just-”

Connor playfully punched Evan on the shoulder. “Aw, don’t apologize. I was almost impressed. You ruined it.”

“Sorry.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Once again, you don’t have to apologize.” There was silence. “You want to say it again don’t you.”

“Very much so, yes!” squeaked Evan.

Connor smiled again. Evan had never seen Connor smile so much. It was beautiful, and Evan couldn’t help thinking of ways to make Connor smile more. When he smiled, his facade sort of broke away, and he was real, and so bright.

And maybe Evan couldn’t help falling just a little bit in love with that smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH!!! It's finally done! Thanks again to Theo, they helped a BUNCH!!! Comment and leave kudos if you liked it!


	7. Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, gonna be honest, not a ton happens in this chapter, just... kinda a lot of Connor being introspective and moody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this took me waaaaay too long to post, I swear I'm gonna start speeding this up as much as I can.

It was almost seven when Connor ended up leaving. Evan had fallen asleep, and as cute - er-  _ peaceful _ as he looked, Connor forced himself to shake him awake when it started getting dark. As strong as Connor’s inner turmoil may have been when Evan’s half-asleep voice called after him, he somehow managed to escape with his life just before six fifty. Connor was more than reluctant to leave, but after he made Evan promise to eat (a little hypocritical, but whatever) they said their goodbyes, and he stepped from Evan’s warm hallway  into the early fall wind.

Well,  _ that _ had been an interesting way to spend a Friday.

When Connor turned onto his block fifteen-minutes later, he could feel his  pace gradually slow as tension started to seep back into his body. The school would have called his parents by now, and they were  _ not  _ going to be happy that he’d skipped half the day... again. It was more than likely that they thought he was getting high or just screwing around.

Connor eventually reached his front door and was still fishing the key out of the front pocket of his bag when the door swung open to reveal a very pissed-off Cynthia.

“Oh. Um...”

“Yeah,” she nodded giving him her best ‘you’ve been busted’ glare; complete with a fake, close-mouthed grin. “Do you maybe want to tell me  _ why  _ I got another call from your school? We talked about this Connor! About you missing school!”

Connor shrugged and pushed his way into the house. “You talked. I ignored you.”

Cynthia sighed. “Connor, please! Talk to me!”

Connor spun around. “Fine! I’ll ‘talk to you’! I was with my friend, okay?! He wasn’t feeling well because his anxiety was acting up, and I’m  _ so fucking  _ sorry for going to help him when he was literally on the verge of a panic attack! It won’t happen again!”

Cynthia seemed for once to be shocked into silence. “A... a friend? You made a friend?”

Connor rolled his eyes and turned away again. “Jesus Christ, why is that so fucking hard to believe?”

“You never-”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

Connor walked up the staircase and down the hallway before Cynthia could finish her rambling speech about how good it was he finally had a friend, and threw himself onto his bed. There was barely a minute of silence before-

“So, you made a friend.”

Connor mentally cursed Larry for taking out his door as he rolled onto his side just enough to face Zoe, who was leaning against the empty doorway like his room had suddenly become an extension of her’s. 

“What do you want Zoe?”

She raised her eyebrows. “To know who you spent the day with, dumbass.”

“No one. A friend. Why does it matter?”

“Tell me.”

“Go away.”

“Or what?”

Connor rolled back onto his stomach and groaned. “Just  _ go away,  _ Zoe. Please? I’m so tired of being drilled like I’m under oath.”

Zoe moved into his room. She pushed a combination of dirty laundry and crumpled up sketchbook paper off his desk chair and sat down. “Why won’t you just  _ tell me _ ?”

Connor couldn’t keep the irritation out of his voice, was Zoe incapable of giving it a  _ fucking _ rest He sat up and stared Zoe straight in the eyes. “It was Evan Hansen, okay? Not that’d you’d even know who that i-”

“Evan. Hansen.” If Zoe had been drinking water she would’ve done a spit take. “Evan Hansen as in ‘Oh my god I’m so sorry for literally breathing in your general fucking direction’ Evan Hansen? What the hell did you do to him?”

“Nothing!” Why did everyone automatically assume he’d  _ done something? _

“Are you like… selling him drugs or something?”

Connor almost fell off of his bed from how quickly he stood up. “No! What the fuck?” He would have been throwing things at her by now if the idea of Evan Hansen  _ buying drugs  _ hadn’t been so goddamn funny.

Zoe shrugged. “I don’t know. You have like three friends total and they’re all just potheads you get high with by the dumpster behind the school-”

“Those aren’t my friends.”

“Whatever.” Zoe rolled her eyes. She did that a lot. “I just mean that you don't usually make friends. And choosing  _ Evan Hansen  _ out of all people.”

Connor glared at her. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not exactly popular. I started hanging out with Hansen because he actually tolerates being in my presence. And he’s just about as broken as I am so...” He trailed off, not really knowing what else to say, and stared at the plain grey sheets on his bed.

“I get it.”

Connor looked up, surprised. “W-what?”

“Yeah.” Zoe wasn’t looking at him. “I think the reason that I hang out with Alana so much is that she and I both need validation, and we kinda… give it to each other, without really saying anything? I don't know. It’s just like… when we’re together, we both feel like we’re actually… good enough for once. Like we don’t have to really… meet anyone else’s expectations. I can be myself around her.”

Connor stayed silent. This was the most information Zoe had told him about her personal life in probably four to five years. And he had absolutely no idea how to respond.

“Um. Cool.”

“Yeah. I guess it is pretty cool.” She smiled down at her intertwined hands lying in her lap. “Pre-tty cool.” She broke down the words.

And for the first time in a long time, Connor let himself smile at his sister.

It didn’t last.

~

Connor’s room was one discarded crisp bag short of a disaster. It was a nice room (ish), in general, it just was that Connor was a slob. It was large, and the walls were a pale grey colour (his parents had explicitly forbade him to paint them black), but most of the wall space was covered up with posters of movies and shitty rock bands he’d put up when he was in middle school and trying to be an Emo Teen™. That was before he’d actually become a ‘living zombie’ as Zoe called him. The wall that his bed was against had been left blank, but Connor had painted designs and drawings all over it with black paints that he’d borrowed (stolen) from Zoe’s bedroom. 

In the corner by the window, there was a desk, a swivel chair, and a pile of dirty laundry that really should have been washed weeks ago. Bookshelves lined the walls, all crammed with fat novels and plays that Connor had collected (aka stolen from libraries). His desk held his laptop, a pile of sketch pads and a small lineup of Pop figures that he used to be obsessed with, featuring several characters from Harry Potter, one from Stranger Things, a couple from Doctor Who, and one from Mr Robot.  

There was an ugly off-white shag carpet covering the wooden floor and dark grey curtains hanging limply from the windows. Even though the room was flooded with bright sunlight, it was moody and generally gave off a very depressed vibe. It was very different from any part of Evans house that he’d seen.

In fact, his entire house was different from Evans. Connor’s house was way too big for just four people. His parents tried to make the house feel less empty by buying unnecessary amounts of shit for the place, but all it did was give a sense of high-class wealth and snootiness. Evans house was small. It had just enough stuff in it to be slightly cramped, but it wasn’t overwhelming, and it felt like a home, in contrary to the Murphy household, which really just felt like a house. Connor had started noticing the difference.

Connor was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. The clock on his bedside table read eleven-thirty am. Connor groaned. Being grounded sucked balls.

When Larry had found out Connor had skipped again he’d gone  _ ballistic.  _ Connor honestly had no idea why. Okay. Maybe he had some idea why. And maybe it had something to do with the fact that Connor had called him stupid and old when he’d been confronted. But that didn’t matter right then.

What mattered was that Connor was alone at home on a Sunday. Which, in a house as big as the Murphy’s, was extremely depressing. Larry had golf every Sunday, Cynthia had yoga classes, and Zoe had extra practice for jazz band. For some reason.

Connor was lonely, as much as he’d hate to admit it.

Although it did help to have some time to himself. Just to think. The silence was kinda nice for once- never mind.

The door downstairs had slammed, and Connor could hear Zoe stomping up the stairs. A minute late she stormed into his room and started ranting.

“Can you  _ believe  _ that we had to give up the auditorium for  _ debate practice?!  _ Like, I get it, they have a meeting next week and the need to get ready, but do it somewhere else! We reserved the auditorium every Sunday! We had a deal with the vice-principal!” Zoe inhaled for the first time in about thirty seconds.

Connor stared at her. Literally that morning she’d yelled at him because she thought he’d stolen her hairbrush (he hadn’t), and now this?

“Um. Why do I care?”

Zoe shot him a dirty look. “Well, I’m  _ so-rry! _ ” She broke down the word. “I thought maybe you could be a human for one minute and let me rant!”

Connor sat up. “Why should I? You never listen to me!”

“You never let me! I want to listen to you Connor! But you never let me in!” Her voice was increasingly getting louder.

“Maybe,” Connor stood up and walked up to Zoe, balling his fists at his side. “I don’t tell you things because you’re a nosy little-”

“Jesus Christ! Why does anyone put up with you? You’re so mean! What did you do to Evan to make him be your friend! I’m sure he didn’t do it of his own free will!”

“Shut up!” Connor was yelling now.

“I just want to help, Connor!”

“No you don’t! You just want a perfect family! And you can’t help me anyway! You can’t, Zoe! You and mom need to get out of this notion that you can ‘cure’ me! Okay? Just stop! I’m always going to be the weird one! Everyone’s always going to hate me no matter what I do!” Connor screamed.

“Well maybe everyone wouldn’t hate you if you weren’t such a  _ freak! _ ”

There was silence. Then- “Get out.”

Zoe seemed to realize what she’d said a split-second too late. “Connor, I’m sorry!”

“Get. Out.”

“Con- I’m really sorry!” She looked like she was about to cry. Connor didn’t care. Why should he? She didn’t really care about him. None of them did.

“Get out of my room!” He punched the wall next to where his door should be and Zoe shrieked. She ran out of his room in an instant and left him there.

He felt like he was about to throw up. She was right, of course. He was a freak. He pushed people away. Evan hadn’t texted all weekend. He was probably already sick of Connor.

~

Connor had learned in fourth grade about something called Murphy’s Law. At the time he’d just thought it was cool that his last name existed somewhere else in the world, since that was pretty much the extent of a kid’s brain, but as he got older, he came to understand what it meant, and sort of start living by it, by the fact that  _ things will go wrong in any given situation, if you give them a chance. _

More roughly translated to;  _ anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. _

And if that didn’t sum up his entire life, then he didn’t know what did. Because if you ask him, it was pretty damn accurate.

Connor had learned very early in his life that nothing he did would really ever matter to anyone. Anything he tried would eventually fail, and anything he did would most likely turn in to an utter and complete disaster.

That was what was going to happen with this friendship. He could tell. Evan was acting weird around him. Ever since he’d said all that stuff at his house the other day, Evan hadn’t texted or called. He was acting all flustered and awkward (more than usual) whenever they were in the same room together. Connor was surprised. He knew it was going to happen eventually.

He just wished it could have lasted a little longer.

It was Monday morning. Connor was sitting in homeroom reading a book. His combat-boot-clad feet were propped up on the empty chair belonging to the desk in front of him (apparently the girl who sat there was absent that day), and his dark wavy hair was actually pulled back for once. He probably looked like shit but he didn’t really care.

Evan skidded into class five minutes later looking flustered and out-of-breath. He muttered a hurried apology to Mrs. B before sitting down next to Connor, who promptly ignored him. If Evan didn’t want to talk to him then Evan didn’t have to.

But it seemed Evan  _ did  _ want to talk to him. After several useless attempts to silently get Connor’s attention, Evan ripped out a piece of paper from his notebook and hurriedly scribbled something on it in blue pen. He shot a nervous look to the front of the room where Mrs. B was engulfed in her book. Once it became apparent she wasn’t going to look up any time soon, Evan slid the folded piece of paper onto Connor’s desk.

Connor groaned internally and picked up the piece of paper.  _ I never got a chance to thank you for helping me out the other day. I’m sorry I didn’t text you this weekend. I had a lot going on and my mom wanted me to rest. I basically slept the whole time. _

Evan was staring at Connor apprehensively. Connor pulled a pencil out of the front of his bag, which was slung over his chair back, and scrawled,  _ No. It’s fine. I just have to stop listening to Zoe. She just made me think maybe you didn’t like me or some shit. _

He passed the paper back to Evan.

Evan read it lightning fast. He scribbled something underneath and passed it back.  _ I’m not going to abandon you Connor. We both need a friend. And I like you. I think I need you. You help me not freak out 24/7. _

Connor had to force himself not to smile.

_ Meet me in the parking lot after school. I wanna show you something. _

When he passed the note back to Evan, he received a nervous smile and nod in return. And it was hard, very hard indeed, not to smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My upload speed should be a little faster now that all my applications are done and I have more free time. Again, apologies!  
> Make sure to leave Kudos an comment! I love reading hem, they make my day.


	8. [DISCONTINUED]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi... please don't be mad.  
> Also stick around for a quick question.

...

 _Hiiiiiiii_  guys...

I'm really frustrated with this story and where it's going. I started writing this when I just started getting into  _Dear Evan Hansen_ and I've been rereading it recently and it's... really bad. I have no commitment to continue with it.

All the characters are OOC and the plot is weird and clumpy. Details I mention in the first chapter never come up again. There are cliches and situations that never ever happen in real life. 

So I'm done with it.

However, if you like my writing, I _am_ working on something else tho! And that's what I need your help with.

I'm writing this new thing. It's very much like this fic, but it's more of a uh oh Ev lies//i'll pay you to pretend to be my friend//fake friendship//turns into fake relationship//uh oh he cute kinda thing. And I'm trying to think of a name. It can be a song lyric relating to the situation or some reference to a musical or vine or something. Comment.

Please.

I'm not creative.

 

 


End file.
